Because Today is Special

From April 2010...

Papa Clyde turned 88 on Friday. Papa Clyde is special. He has a special way about him. A special swagger and being 88 hasn't changed that. There's a lot of things that are cool about him but none more than his gift of expression. Here is a list compiled by my family of expressions from Clyde that really just, tell it like it is.

On turning 88: "I had the worst nightmare last night. I dreamed I was an 88 year old man."

On stretching the truth : "He's taking the Liberty Ship."

When feeling poorly: “I'm hurtin’ all over worse than any other place.”

Again when feeling poorly,"Clyde, how long have you been feeling bad?": "Oh, about 40 years."

When feeling good: “I feel like goin’ bear huntin’ with a switch.”

When considering someone over weight: “He only eats one meal a day; from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed.”

On where to spend your money: “Spend your money on shoes and a bed, cause if you ain’t in one, you’re in the other.”

When any of us grandkids went to visit: "Stay up as late as you want, watch as much T.V. you want, and drink all the Pepsi you want."

Whenever you leave his house (this is spoken with an arm swing): "Hoochi Coochi."

Whenever a new baby is born into the family: "This is the one time in her life that she can say, ""DAMN, I ain't never seen that before!"" about  EVERYTHING."

When checking on said new born baby: "Is she shavin' her legs and typin yet?"

When any of the 3 sons were making too much noise: "You want an axe?"

When describing someone's wife as pretty: "That boy has enough woman to last him the rest of his life."

When there was any sort of conflict: “Take it to Paris.” (referencing Kissinger and the Peace Talks .)
When considering some idiot: “He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot without instructions on the heel sayin’ “Tip up.”

A little off-color classic: "It was rainin so hard it sounded like 2 skeletons screwing on a tin roof." 

Another - When asked if something was hard to do he answered: "Harder than standing up screwing in a hammock!"

Whenever a woman walks into the room: "Hey Doll."

Commenting on a long day: "This day is so long that you could plant corn this morning and pull roastin' ears this afternoon."

When discussing something that isn't difficult: "It's no big deal, on that thing."

When teaching his sons: "Everything is mechanical."

When asked if he enjoyed something you made him to eat: "I'd order it in a restaurant." or "Best I ever had."

When speaking to an attracive under-age lady: "Every minute with you would be worth every year in prison."

When seeing you kiss your boyfriend: "Get the water hose."

When telling his sons to do something: "If I tell you a chicken can pull a plow, hook him up."

When asking for a roll at dinner: "Ed me a roll."

There were others that are a little more poignant and descriptive. And while helpful, I think they are best left off this list and included on another. My favorite one of all time and the one that comes to my mind quickest...

When examining something sweet: "It gets me right here." (While pointing to his heart.)